


It took me by surprise (The hatred in his eyes)

by Sometimesalwayssarcastic



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Based on a song, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Second chapter is Sirius trying to change, Sirius Black struggles to deal with being trapped in his childhood home, Unhealthy Relationships, and Remus is there for him however he needs him to be, and getting rid of his toxic behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-09-01 14:13:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16766734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sometimesalwayssarcastic/pseuds/Sometimesalwayssarcastic
Summary: Remus whispers, and Sirius knows he’s pressing the right buttons. He knows what to say to get the other to falter and obey him, and that power goes to Sirius’ head. He’s not able to control anything about his life right now, but this, this relationship with Remus, he rules with an iron fist.Sirius, after coming back from Azkaban, attempts to rekindle his relationship with Remus. However, Sirius isn’t the same man that he was when they were younger, Azkaban saw to that. When he falls into a downwards spiral of loneliness and grief, he, unwittingly, drags Remus down with him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The song that this is inspired by is called 'It took me by surprise' by Maria Mena. I think listening to it while reading may be cool, but you don't have to. It just led to me writing this.

“You actually thought I’d betray them…” Sirius whispers, bringing up the topic that had been discussed between them countless times throughout the last few months, and his lips quirk into a frown when Remus hesitates to respond, “You were going to just let me rot in there, yeah?”

“I’m sorry, Sirius.” Remus’ voice is soft as he responds, his eyes downcast as though he’s a dog getting scolded by its master, “I never should have allowed them to take you away, I’m sorry.”

Remus never tries to defend himself, not anymore, and Sirius feels a demented kind of gratitude from that. He spent twelve years rotting alone in Azkaban, so he preens with the unwavering attention Remus gives him now. Seeing Remus bend to his will makes him feel powerful in a way that he hasn’t felt since his days with James at his side, and he craves the sensation. Perhaps a bit _too_ much.

Remus is patient around him, he always has been really, but even more so since he has taken to living with Sirius in Grimmauld place. He doesn’t argue with Sirius, not even when he brings up the follies of their past that the animagus knows he really should have put to rest by now. But the reminders give him control, he can tell every time he sees the shame rush into the werewolf’s eyes when he brings up Remus’ betrayal. He’d do anything to make it up to Sirius and he treasures that notion.

It’s not actually Remus’ fault, he’s not deluded enough to really think that, if anything he’s well aware that it was his own fault that he had been stuck in that prison for so long.

He had, after all, been the first one to doubt Remus’ allegiance when Remus had never really given him a good reason to. Sirius, on the other hand, had given the werewolf countless reasons to believe that he had been the secret keeper that betrayed their friends. But that fact is conveniently never mentioned when the matter is discussed.

He’s being cruel, he knows when he feel’s Remus arms hesitantly wrap around him in a wordless hug. It’s meant to be reassuring and to convince the dark haired male that he would never hurt him like that again, but the stiffness in his limbs belies the werewolf’s words and Sirius can tell he’d rather be anywhere else but there. 

“I don’t believe you.” Sirius says coldly, but he does not pull away from the embrace. He relishes in the feeling of the werewolf’s body tensing at his statement, and he merely pulls the man closer, “I don’t believe that you’re really sorry.”

Remus doesn’t respond to that and, logically, Black doesn’t blame him. Instead the taller man stays as he is, his face unconsciously drawn into a grimace and Sirius knows all too well why.

Remus’ skin burns with unexpressed emotion as it brushes against Sirius’, and the dark haired male can’t help but smile.

Xxxxxx

“You’re gone all the time.”

Sirius watches as Remus flinches at the accusatory words and slowly turns to face the dark haired male. It’s nearly midnight and the house is almost pitch black, yet Sirius can see the dark bags under his boyfriend’s eyes and the strain of a grimace tightening his expression.

“I’m sorry, I tried to get back as soon as I could.”

Sirius hums noncommittally at the excuse and narrows his eyes at the thinner man. He’d been gone for nearly a week on his mission and Sirius had, as a result, been left all alone in that damned house. He knows it’s not Remus’ fault that he’s stuck there, but the man is present and Sirius’ temper is too high to resist taking his agitation out on _someone_. Especially when it’s someone he knows will take it without resistance.

“You always were a terrible _liar_ , Remus.”

Grey eyes watch as the other man bites his lower lip at the accusation, but still he offers no rebuttals. His amber eyes look dull and his arms fall loosely at his sides. He’s never seen the taller man look so deflated before, and Sirius figures he should feel worse about that realization.

“If you want to avoid me that badly, you can say it to my bloody face, yeah? Act like a big boy, Moony.”

“I wasn’t trying to avoid seeing you, Pads.” Remus whispers, and Sirius knows he’s pressing the right buttons. He knows what to say to get the other to falter and obey him, and that power goes to Sirius’ head. He’s not able to control anything about his life right now, but this, this relationship with Remus, he _rules_ with an iron fist.

“Prove it.”  
Remus’ movements are hesitant and reluctant as he slowly crosses the distance between them, and Sirius can feel the other’s body tense when he wraps his arms around him.

When their lips meet Remus’ are still, offering no resistance nor any inclination to deepen the kiss. So, Sirius does. He moves his lips roughly against his lover’s and, when he raises his hand to brush against Remus’ cheek, he pretends like he doesn’t notice him flinch away from the touch.

When they inevitably wind up in bed together, Sirius purposely ignores the tired way Remus looks up at him, and, when he turns his head away when Sirius goes to kiss him afterwards, he pushes away the realization that sends a shiver down his spine.

_Remus was afraid of him._

With a gulp, Sirius wraps himself around his lover. He tries desperately to catch his gaze, to convince himself that he had merely misread Remus’ actions. Surely, if he makes eye contact with his lover, he’ll see _love_ and _affection._

But, when grey meets evasive amber, Sirius’ feels his mouth run dry.

_It took him by surprise, the hatred in his eyes._

Xxxxxxxxx

“Remus isn’t looking too good, is he?” Tonks whispers to him softly one morning, her eyes watching sadly as the werewolf shuffles into the kitchen attached to the dining room and Sirius makes a point to keep his expression plain, “He looks like he usually does right before the full, but it isn’t until weeks from now.”

She has a point, Sirius can’t deny that, but instead of voicing as much he merely offers her a despondent shrug.

“I don’t notice much of a difference.” He lies, barely managing to bite back a grimace at how the fib tastes on his tongue, “Probably just tired.”

Tonks’ eyes drift warily to Sirius as he speaks and, suddenly, the man finds himself much more interested in his breakfast than before.

“You’re being too rough on him.” She murmurs and Sirius nearly spits out his drink, “Look, I know you two are together, and it’s not my place to get involved, but you’re _breaking_ him, Sirius.”

The man scoffs at that, though the clenching in his stomach tells him just how right she is.

“I’m not doing anything to him,” and he was being _honest_ ; he’d _never_ hit him before, so, by definition, he wasn’t actually literally _hurting_ him, “and don’t try and act like I don’t notice you staring at him like a schoolgirl in love. I know you fancy him, just like I know better than to think you’d try anything to get between us, yeah?”

His tone turns slightly threatening when he voices the question and he bites back a grin when he sees how Tonks begins to squirm uncomfortably. So his observations were right, were they?

“This isn’t about me.” Tonks frowns after a moment of uncomfortable silence, and her expression turns far more serious than it ought to, “You might not mean to hurt him, Sirius, but you _do_. I’ve seen the way you blame him for things that aren’t his fault. You should know better than anyone how much Remus beats himself up about things already.”

“You think I don’t know what my own bloody boyfriend is like?” Sirius struggles to reign in his voice as he levels a furious glare at Tonks, “He’s -…”

He has to break off as Remus drifts into the room, although the animagus can tell right away that Remus is too zoned out to really see or hear all that much. A mug of tea is grasped securely between his scarred hands and it takes several moments of their silent staring to jar him from his thoughts. He notices Tonks first, and a polite smile is cast her way before his eyes flicker to Sirius and the happiness disappears immediately. Sirius acts like that doesn’t sting.

“Padfoot.” He nods in greeting and the smile that follows the name is so fake that the animagus almost laughs, although he doesn’t find anything funny about the situation, “I didn’t see you there.”

Remus’ eyes drift from the seated man to the door and Sirius is reminded of a frightened animal debating his chances of escape.

_Was Tonks actually right?_

Painting on his best grin, the dark haired male stands up and pulls his lover into a hug. He’s gentle, yet firm as he embraces the tense form, and his smile wavers when Remus doesn’t relax at his touch.

 _He always used to before_ , Sirius reasons _, he always used to love when I held him_.

Shooting a furtive glance over Remus’ shoulder at Tonks, the black haired man gulps at the pitying expression he sees his cousin level at his boyfriend’s rigid back.

_When had things changed between them?_

Xxxxxx

Bent on solving the riddle of Remus’ evasive behavior, Sirius observes the other man for several days. By the time he’s come to his conclusion, the animagus wishes he never decided to look in the first place.

At first Sirius was convinced that Remus was merely experiencing one of his down periods, where he retreated into himself regardless of what anyone did to stop him. That theory was swiftly debunked when, upon further consideration of Remus’ interactions with others, he notices that Remus only acts strange around _him_.

At Order meetings he talks pleasantly with Kingsley and laughs with Tonks. When Molly goes to give him a hug he returns the embrace with a warm smile and a soft chuckle. He doesn’t tense up like he does when it's Sirius’ arms around him, nor did he shift uncomfortably under anyone else’s gaze. It's only with Sirius that Remus looks as though he wants to close in on himself and, suddenly, Tonks’ words make far too much sense.

He was too selfish to notice how far he had pushed Remus’ patience and good nature over the past few months. In his search for something to control and for a means to release his pent up anger, he had inadvertently used Remus as his punching bag. Remus had only offered him love and support and Sirius, greedy and angered by his useless situation, had prayed on that desire to please. He’d consumed all the love and affection the other man had to give until he left him just as beaten and subdued as Azkaban had left Sirius.

He has slowly but surely broken the only person that truly cared about him.

He’s pushed Remus as far as he could go, but Remus, ever private and careful Remus, has never had the heart to tell him so. He’s dealt with Sirius’ verbal blows out of a sense of loyalty and guilt, and the dark haired man has been too blind to notice it.

Later that night, as he sits alone in the dark living room of Grimmauld place, replaying his mistakes throughout the past few months in his mind, the silence is almost deafening.

xxxxxxxxxx

Sirius tries to change.

He smiles at Remus when he walks through the door, and tries not to speak to him unless he speaks first. He doesn’t initiate contact unless Remus touches him first, and he avoids topics that he believes would upset the other man. He thinks he’s being a better boyfriend, so he doesn’t understand why Remus still stares at him with that defeated look, or why he gazes with trepidation at Sirius when their gazes meet.

Sirius grows frustrated when Remus recoils from him one night in bed when his leg accidentally brushes against the other’s and, suddenly, he’s had enough.

“What the hell is your problem?!” Sirius finally explodes, immediately sitting up as he glares in irritation at the docile man beside him. He doesn’t understand why Remus was still like this, why he still peers back at the dark haired male as though he was expecting his question to be a _trap_ , “Damn it, Remus, why are you ignoring me?”  
Remus merely stares back at him, evidentially shell-shocked, and his expression turns pensive as he slowly lifts himself up to lean against the headboard. He looks as though he is thinking over his words carefully and Sirius wonders if he’s really been that quick to anger recently. The growing sense of dread in his stomach reminds him that he has.

“You aren’t angry at me? The silence… I thought…”  
Remus’ words trail off in unease and Sirius shivers as though the other had just thrown cold water in his face. _How had he not thought of that before?_

When Sirius was younger, when they were still just lads at Hogwarts, Sirius had the bad habit of punishing those he was mad at by giving them the silent treatment. The Marauders could always tell he was irked at someone if he refused to speak, touch, or even look at them, and, unfortunately, that passive aggressive behavior was never something he grew out of. Even now, when members of the Order anger him, he often ignores them completely for long periods of time, and, suddenly, Sirius feels sick.

“Moony, no I…” He reaches his hand towards his lover, hoping to convey everything he could not bring to words in the form of a touch, but Remus jolts away, as though he had been burned, “I… I thought you’d be happier if I gave you space…”

The bed rustles as Remus gingerly lifts himself from it, a hand running through tawny hair as he begins to pace restlessly up and down the room. Sirius doesn’t need him to say anything to know that he’s royally screwed up this time.

“I don’t know what to _do_ , Sirius. I _never_ know what to do anymore with you…” Remus says softly and Sirius can barely stand the hurt look glinting in his eyes, “If I _don’t_ say or do something you get mad, if I _do_ say or do something you get mad… I’m _trying_ to be patient with you, Sirius, I really am, but…” Remus shakes his head and Sirius knows he lacks the words to tell him what he’s really feeling.

Remus is far too calm for the situation and a part of the dark haired man just wants the other to lash out at him, to scream at him and tell him how much Sirius has been destroying him. He wants his lover to sneer and tell him that Sirius is selfish for trying to drag Remus down with him into the pit of despair that Azkaban had left in him, or at the very least do _something_ other than stare at him with that dejected look.

But that was always Remus. Too private, too hurt, and too silent for his own good.

“Remus… I’m sorry….”

The werewolf shakes his head and Sirius feels his own surge of rage swell at the reaction, or rather, the lack of one. Where Remus was always subdued and reserved, Sirius was passionate and open, always quick to anger and ready to fight. He wanted an argument, so, if Remus wasn’t going to initiate it, then he would.

“Dammit, Remus, is that it?! You walk around like a fucking kicked puppy and now you won’t even _fight_ about it? Won’t yell at me? Don’t tell me you’re that much of a bloody coward!”

He’s gone too far; he knows it the minute Remus’ head whips from the floor to him. The ire in his gaze is too intense for Sirius and, for the first time since he left Azkaban, he finds himself being the one to break their stare. Sirius always is too much, and he really wishes he could learn to shut up.

“A coward, am I?” The werewolf sneers, his chin tilting up so that he is staring down at Sirius from the corner of his eye, “Perhaps I don’t _yell_ at you because I don’t have the energy to, since you make quite certain you sap it from me. Perhaps I _look_ as though I am a ‘kicked puppy’ because I never know where I stand with you. Perhaps I don’t _argue_ with you because I don’t _care_ enough to.”

Sirius’ breath catches as Remus casts him one last glare and storms out of the room, the look glinting in his amber eyes haunting in their cruelty. It speaks all the insults Remus never will, and, despite the blanket still resting over the lower half of his body, Sirius feels cold.

It takes him by surprise, the hatred in his eyes.

He pushed that man as far as he could go, but Remus lacked the words to let him know.

He acted out and now Sirius could see it is his fault.

_Now Remus is afraid of him._


	2. It took him by surprise (The affection in his eyes)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius knows what he needs to do to return to Remus' good graces, he's just not convinced that he can change the way Remus needs.

Sirius spent most of his childhood feeling powerless.

As the eldest son of the Black family, he was raised with firm expectations regarding how he was to act and what he was to do. No one ever asked him if he wanted to dabble in the dark arts, nor did they inquire whether or not he was comfortable fraternizing with prestigious adults that cursed the mere mention of a muggle. He never had the ability to make choices.

It wasn’t until he came to Hogwarts that he felt free – as though he could finally grasp the concept of autonomy that seemed to come so naturally to the other students. It was there that he was able to choose to convince the sorting hat not to put him in Slytherin, and it was there that he was able to decide who he was friends with. For once his parents could not dictate who he was around – although they certainty did try – and it was also there that he realized that he could break away from the family that he had always hated.

It wasn’t easy, turning his back on the people that had raised him and who a small, childish part of him still wanted to accept him, but it was necessary for him to feel in control for the first time in his life.

Control – it was a whirlwind feeling that Sirius craved dearly after his first taste of it. It was akin to the forbidden fruit of Adam and Eve and Sirius could easily see why Eve had caved to its temptation.

He began to crave the sensation following the years of his disinheritance and it became a drug to him. He constantly had to have it, least he succumbed to the haunting memories of his vulnerable youth. So long as he knew he was in charge and strong, he could ignore the icy claws that manifested from the knowledge of his family’s hatred of him. Claws that gripped and tore at his heart.

So long as he felt powerful he could pretend as though he was alright.

Then he went to Azkaban and he truly learned how it felt to be powerless.

For 12 years he was tormented by the dementors and left to rot in his cell. He had no control and no strength to deter the cruel shouts of his father from consuming his thoughts, nor could he will away the demeaning taunts of his mother. He was more vulnerable than he ever felt comfortable being, so, the moment he escaped, he promised himself that he would never allow himself to feel that way again.

It was that promise that ruined him, Sirius muses to himself as he gazes bitterly at the wall of his bedroom, his lapse into memory lane not helping raise his moods in the slightest.

He’s fucked up, there’s no denying that, but the more he thinks about it the more he realizes that that wasn’t entirely due to Azkaban.

Sure, that place screwed with his mind something fierce and he knows he’ll never recover completely psychologically from it, but it’s his childhood that had most notably ruined him.

It was the expectations that he knew he’d never live up to that chipped at his sanity and it was the hatred from his parents that made him crave control to an unhealthy level.

Perhaps that’s why he struggles with relationships, the man snickers to himself as he rolls over to the side of his bed that is still far too cold for his liking. He remembers the last time it felt warm, the last time Remus occupied the spot and made Sirius feel whole again.

But Remus is gone now, off on another mission, and this time the fugitive knows that the man is in no rush to get back. To be honest, Sirius isn’t exactly sure where their relationship stands and it kills him.

The last time they actually spoke had been the night before Remus was due to leave, which was a week ago, he remembers, and his stomach crawls all over again.

He drove the man he loves away with his unhealthy need for power and, if they are to continue on, Sirius knows he needs to change.

He just doesn’t know how.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next time Sirius sees Remus is two weeks after their argument and he’s not at all relieved to see that the fire that had briefly glistened in green eyes has snubbed out. Instead of the anger that had flared in the werewolf two weeks prior Remus seems to have returned to his typical state of defeat.

He looks too much like the beaten dog that Sirius has been controlling ever since his return from Azkaban and, for once, the knowledge of his power over Remus doesn’t please him. If anything it makes him feel sick.

“Remus,” Sirius begins the moment Remus steps through the doors of Grimmauld place, his smile weak, “I missed you – how did the mission go?”  
Remus appears suspicious of the question at first, his eyes appraising Sirius as though he’s searching for something before he sighs and drops his briefcase off at the foot of the stairs.

“Fine, I suppose.”

A dark eyebrow raises in silent request for the werewolf to continue, but Remus avoids glancing at his face and doesn’t continue his story further. Sirius decides against prying.

“That’s good.” He tries and subsequently fails to make his smile look more genuine, “Do you want some hot chocolate? I was just about to make some and –“

“Not today, thank you, Sirius.”  
Sirius blinks, once, twice, three times at the swift refusal – Remus hardly ever directly says no to him, and he’s reminded once more that the werewolf probably always agreed to avoid angering him. That doesn’t make him feel any better.

“Ah- right. Sure.”

“Actually, I think I’ll be going to bed.”

The animagus perks up at that notion – surely once they are in their room together again they can work things out.

“I’ll take your briefcase up to our room for you.”  
He moves forward to grab the beaten handle of the worn case only to yank his hand back when Remus’ beats him to it.

“I’m really tired, Sirius, so I believe I’ll take one of the guest rooms tonight.” Another wary look is directed towards the dark haired male before Remus moves up the stairs, making it clear that his decision is not up for debate, “Good night.”  
The animagus barely manages to mumble a dejected “Good night” before Remus is out of view.

_What has he done?_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The unease between the couple doesn’t diminish in the slightest the next morning. If anything it feels more palpable now that both men are fully rested. Tonks is there with them, having stopped by to visit with Sirius before she realized Remus had already returned.

The uncomfortable looks she casts the two men make it clear that the tension between them is apparent and, when she levels him with a questioning stare, all Sirius can manage is a pitiful shrug.

Remus barely speaks to him at all for the rest of the day and, when he does, the sentences are clipped and far too polite. Sirius almost feels like a stranger with how Remus is treating him and, when the werewolf once more retreats to the guest room that night, Sirius learns that powerlessness comes in more forms than prison.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you alright, Remus?”

It’s halfway through the third day of Remus’ streak of silence and Sirius is beside himself with nerves. It’s taking every ounce of self-restraint in him not to yell at his boyfriend – or were they even still together at this point?

But, he ignores the anger and nearly over-whelming desire to rectify the situation through force to instead calmly regard the taller man. He struggles to keep his features neutral, especially when Remus looks at him as though he is nothing more than an acquaintance asking about the weather.

“I am perfectly fine, thank you.”  
Sirius’ anger boils at the outright lie the werewolf gives him before he returns to the book he’s reading and, despite himself, Sirius feels his patience evaporate.

“Like hell you are.”

Swift as lightning Remus’ attention is back on Sirius and, for a second, the animagus almost wishes that he would ignore him again. The stern expression marring Remus’ face practically dares Sirius to push the subject further and, Sirius, who can never back down, accepts the dare even when he knows he shouldn’t.

“Look Remus, let’s cut the bloody shit. I know you’re pissed at me, and I know why. Shit, _I’m_ pissed at me, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve been an absolute arse recently, and I would understand if you never wanted to talk to me again, but damn Moony, just say something – _anything_. Tell me what I need to do to make it up to you, or at least yell at me!”

Sirius is once more making demands of Remus, he realizes that the minute he finishes his speech, and he inwardly flinches. So much for being a better boyfriend.

Before their argument the animagus knows his demands would have guilted Remus into doing what Sirius wanted, knows that Remus would have bent to his will and Sirius would have preened at the attention.

So, now, when Remus merely shuts his book and leaves the room without a word, Sirius feels completely and utterly empty.

~~~~~~~~ 

Sirius avoids Remus the next day, hiding like a scolded dog, and very well would have attempted to avoid him the following day if Remus didn’t walk into the room they shared just as he is about to leave.

The werewolf mumbles something about getting a change of clothes and Sirius can only nod minutely and stare down at the floor as he steps aside to allow Remus to enter.

The air between them is more awkward than it’s ever been, at least since the prank, and Sirius momentarily wishes he could disappear.

It must be over for them, he thinks somberly, Remus would take his clothes out of the room and, just like that, they would be officially over.

When Sirius hears footsteps again he prepares himself to see Remus gathering his clothes with the intent to move them elsewhere. Instead, he rises his head to see the werewolf take out only a sweater and a pair of pants.

_He wasn’t planning on taking all his clothes out?_

“… Were you being honest the other day, Sirius?”

Remus’ voice is so soft that Sirius almost misses it entirely.

“W-what...?”

“The other day, when you said that you wanted to know what you could do to make it up to me? Did you really mean it?”

Sirius doesn’t think he’s ever nodded so fast in his life.

“Of course, Moony.”

Remus studies his expression closely once more, no doubt searching for hints of deception, before he nods, appearing to deem the animagus as being honest.

“I see…” A pink tongue shoots out to wet Remus’ bottom lip as he shifts uncomfortably from one foot to another, “I heavily considered ending this while I was away, you know. I convinced myself that the moment I saw you I would break up with you. I had thought that would be best…”

This time it’s Sirius who bites his lip as a strong sense of dread washes over him. He deserves this, and he expected it, yet it still feels as though his heart is ready to spilt itself in half.

“But now…?”

Remus takes a deep breath and looks down at the clothes still draped over his arms,

“I still love you, Sirius, and I know things have been rough for you since you’ve left Azkaban, but I can’t keep going on like this. I can’t… I can’t keep walking on thin ice around you, Pads, I just can’t. If we are going to make this work I need you to stop taking everything out on me.”

Sirius gulps and gingerly nods, not yet trusting himself to speak. A small, warm surge of hope shoots up his spine at the realization that it might not be too late for them.

“I… I get that you need to feel in control, especially while you’re holed up here, but I won’t let you take everything out on me anymore. If we are going to stay together we need to be equals.”

“I know.” Sirius agrees almost comically fast, his words stumbling over one another, “I mean, you’re right. I was – I mean, I _am_ \- a complete arse. I love you, Moony, and I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I just…”  
A pale hand shoots up to run restlessly through dark locks as he struggles to explain just what it is he’s feeling. He has no idea how to convey how dark and twisted his thoughts sometimes turn now because of his time in Azkaban, just like he can’t fathom how to convey to his boyfriend how his heart physically aches at the idea of them splitting up. If Remus leaves him too Sirius thinks he might really lose it – that the single thread of sanity rooting him in the here and now might snap and he’ll really become the insane Sirius Black every was so terrified of.

He can’t explain any of those things, he’s never been able to. He always mused that it was thanks to his emotionally constipated family, but he also knows that he can’t always hide behind that excuse. He’s got to at least try to formulate coherent explanations for what’s going on in the dark pit that is his heart because Remus deserved that much.

“Shit, I just can’t stand it here. Being cooped up in this hell-hole while everyone else is out there making a bloody difference. How _you’re_ out there putting your life on the line again and I can’t do a damned thing to protect you. All I can do is stay here and play house-maid and, merlin Remus, that’s not _me_.”

He feels a burning sensation sear across the back of his eyes and his lips pull into a wince – he can’t cry, not here, not now. If Remus is going to forgive him it’s going to be because he finally said the right words, not because he feels pity for the blubbering black haired fool.

“But those aren’t excuses.” He’s quick to reassure, his grey eyes meeting Remus’ green with conviction, “I’m not going to ask you to forgive me, because there’s no way to make up for what I’ve done, but I am selfish enough to ask for another chance. I’ll be good, I swear. Just give me another chance, Moony.”

Remus’ hesitance to accept Sirius’ words at face value are seen with the subtle chewing of his lower lip and the slight shifting of his posture from one foot to another. Sirius knows what that stance means – has seen it so often throughout the years whenever Remus isn’t sure what to do, and he finds himself holding his breath.

His words don’t carry as much weight anymore, that much is obvious and, when he reflects on it, is also deserved. But that doesn’t make the icy flood of fear trickling through his veins feel any less paralyzing.

“…Okay…” Remus finally nods after several agonizing moments and Sirius realizes that he needs to breathe, “If you mean it – if you really are going to try and change – then okay, Sirius. We can try again.”

Sirius thinks he can almost sob with relief, a thought that only grows when the small smile he levels at Remus is tentatively returned.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Changing, while simple in theory, is remarkably more difficult in practice. Sirius has heard the old muggle saying that ‘Old habits die hard’, but has never truly understood just how accurate that saying is.

After years of witnessing passive aggressive behaviors from his family and then repeating them himself, he finds it incredibly difficult to stop engaging in them. They’re almost unconscious at this point, he notes one day when he’s grown particularly irritated with his home imprisonment and involuntarily begins to take it out on Remus.

Until this point he’d been making great progress, he would like to think. It was a week after their agreement that Remus finally moved back into their shared room and Sirius has been on his best behavior since. That was nearly a week ago and, despite his best efforts to the contrary, Sirius realizes that he’s beginning to slip again.

An Order meeting has just concluded and Sirius finds himself feeling incredibly miffed at his inability to once again do anything other than stay home and play babysitter to the mansion he despises. Snape’s sneering presence and taunting remarks regarding his uselessness do little to ease his irritable mood and, by the time it’s just Remus and Sirius lounging in the living room of Grimmauld Place, he unconsciously slips into old behaviors.

“I can’t stand this damned place.” He complains, his tone cold and grey eyes accusing as they drift throughout the room in sheer disdain, “Bloody hell! Why won’t Dumbledore just let me go out for five minutes? I’ll be Padfoot and no one will be able to tell the difference, just so I can get out of this hell for a while.”  
His pleading gaze falls to Remus with his last sentence and, as though he can tell where Sirius’ complaints are going, Remus returns the glance with a wary one of his own. The werewolf looks more ragged than usual, Sirius notes, and knows it’s because of the increasing number of missions he’s having to go on. They’re short-staffed recently, leaving the available Order members to work twice as hard. Sirius knows he should feel pity for his boyfriend, heaven knows he already looked worn down before he had several missions a week, but the only emotion he can conjure is envy. He’ll do anything to have the ability to go out and see the world.

“You know how dangerous doing something like that would be, Pads.” Remus attempts to console, the wince crossing his visage as he slowly stands up from his seat not escaping Sirius’ notice, “Harry already expressed his worries that Lucius saw you at the train platform. For your own safety it’s best if you stay where you’re safe – here.”

Sirius watches with growing irritation as Remus moves to sit beside him and remains silent as he feels the couch dip beside him with the new weight. Remus reaches out to rest his hand gently on Sirius’ bony shoulder and Sirius has to grit his teeth. The touch is so comforting and kind and, before he’s aware of what he’s doing, he snaps.

“That’s easy for you to say, Remus,” He growls almost instinctively, his head spinning to pin Remus with a wild look, “You’re out there every day helping and seeing the damn sun! You don’t know what it’s like being stuck here!”

Remus’ reaction is immediate; in a heartbeat his hand is wretched away and his posture is rigid. Silence transpires between the two as they maintain eye-contact and it takes several seconds before Sirius manages to break through the haze of anger that clouded his judgement and, when he does, he really wants to slam his head into a wall.

“Shit.” He sighs, bringing a hand up to rub harshly at his face, “Shit, sorry Moons. That was uncalled for, I really didn’t mean it. I’m just frustrated, you know?”

Remus visibly relaxes at the apology and, with a small smile he brings his hand back up to the other man’s shoulder.

“I know Pads, I’m sorry as well. I wish I could help, but Dumbledore has a reason to be worried. I don’t think I could bear watching you be taken away again.”

Sirius gulps at how genuine Remus’ words sound and his frustration begins to evaporate slightly.

“Thanks Moony. That means a lot.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Throughout the months that follow Sirius continues to make more mistakes, habitually falling back into bad habits when his irritation grows too strong to contain. However, he learns to decrease the severity of each fit until, six months after their agreement, they’ve downgraded to mild temper tantrums.

Instead of constantly blaming Remus for his poor situation he learns new, healthier outlets for his anger. He throws himself into cleaning the rest of the house and takes his anger out on the stray boggarts and other dark creatures that dare to remain in the house. His incessant need to control manifests itself in his strict cleaning regiments that he forces everyone to follow when they assist in playing maid and, rather unfortunately, brings him to act a bit crueler towards Kreacher, the one being he really could rule over. It’s still not the best situation, but he muses that it’s still leagues better than his old anger-releasing methods.

His relationship with Remus only grows the longer he goes without belittling his partner and, while his desire for control still pulls at his soul like the strings of a puppet, he grows to ignore it.

Rather than complain that his boyfriend took too long on missions the minute he returns Sirius prepares him a cup of tea and greets him with a kiss on the cheek. He voices his frustrations in the form of harmless, dramatic complaints that seem to earn him an amused simper from the werewolf at nights and, before Sirius knows it, Remus actually seeks his company out again. He stops avoiding eye-contact and, instead, latches himself to Sirius’s side while at Grimmauld place. Inwardly, Sirius preens.

Those little smiles are nothing compared to one night that Sirius thinks he will never be able to forget, though. It’s a night that will remain one of his most treasured memories forever, despite how simple it really is.

It was a night almost nine months after their big argument and they were getting ready for bed. They had engaged in idle chatter while getting dressed and, once they were both done, they crawled into bed. They had huddled together just like always and mumbled sleepy goodnights. Sirius had just been about to use his wand to blow out the candles when he decided to chance one last look at Remus’ face, only to catch a sight that warmed his heart more than he thought an expression ever could.

That night Sirius had made eye contact with his boyfriend and was alarmed to find that, instead of seeing his expression softened by the gentle lull of sleep, he caught him smiling at him. It was a slanted, sleepy smile paired with slowly glazing narrowed eyes that held so much love and affection that Sirius wanted to cry.

_It took him by surprise (the affection in his eyes)._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely happy with how this chapter came out, but I felt the story ended on too sad of a note to leave it alone. Wolfstar's story is already so sad that I always like to add happy endings to their fanfictions. Heaven knows the boys need a little happiness. Either way, in this chapter I wanted to show how Sirius was struggling to change. He understood his toxic behavior and sought to end it for Remus' sake. At the end he managed to become a better person and a better boyfriend by working on his flaws.

**Author's Note:**

> For the record, I just want to point out that this is not meant to bash Sirius in any way, nor is it completely the canon way I view him. I just heard the song and was inspired. My logic behind this was that the loneliness and powerlessness Sirius felt being trapped in the house he hated unconsciously manifested itself in an overwhelming need to control something. He felt useless just waiting around and couldn't decide anything for himself, so he takes control over the one thing he can - his relationship with Remus. 
> 
> This might be a bit rushed because I decided to try and challenge myself to not only write this in a day, but also type it up in between studying for exams. If nothing else it was a bit of a stress relief. If I have inspiration I was considering adding a chapter after this that shows them attempting to mend the relationship with Sirius acknowledging his toxic attitude and taking active measures to change it.


End file.
